Good thing yawns and O faces look about the same because, thanks to
research being conducted by a handful of (presumably exhausted and
horny) PhD students at Indiana University's
The Kinsey Institute,
they're about to mean the same thing too. Early stages of testing an
as-yet-unnamed...supplement? Drug? Mother's little helper?...have shown
that the sexual health center's concoction of hormones and
neurotransmitters triggers orgasms approximately 10 to 15 minutes after
subjects ingest the mixture and, oh yeah,
yawn.
Kinsey Institute mad scientists, I don't know what kinds of problems
you're encountering that might be inhibiting this miracle solution's
public debut, but if a proper moniker is the lone holdup, I'm sure an
open call for titling would return some outstanding results. Obviously
my suggestion is the Boregasm Pill. I think Boregasm is a good name both
because people tend to yawn when they're tired or bored, and because if
yawning could make them have an orgasm they would probably be way less
tired and bored. (Oh, I'll get to the post-coital fatigue factor in a
minute.) Think of all those quarterly meetings and school lectures and
dates with girls you have pretended to find interesting only to have
them be like,
cheek peck, "Thanks for the $150 dinner. Peace
out." Insufferable. Now imagine yourself in those same situations, but
with a play-out as follows:
There you are. Some dude/chick is droning on. You're trying hard,
really hard, to pay attention. But you're dying of boredom. Your eyes
droop. You bow your head. Try to stifle the inevitable jaw drop a little
longer. But you can't...hold it...in. You...
Yaaawwwnnn.
Whoa. What's that? Is that? Is that a...
Holy Kleenex, Batman! I think I just blew a load!
And suddenly, you're back. Back to Excel spreadsheets detailing
quarterly performance. Back to differentiating equations. Back to
emitting sounds of sympathy and disgust at the appropriate times as you
get the play-by-play of how Nikki wasn't invited to Jenny's party but
she found out Kelly was so she tried to private Facebook message Kelly
to ask what the WTF but she accidentally posted it on Kelly's timeline
and all of Kelly's 876 friends saw the message, including Jenny, and now
Jenny is pissed at Nikki and Kelly because she thinks they're, like,
trying to cause drama and ruin her party so now she's
uninvited
Kelly and so Nikki and Kelly are, like, joining forces and trying to get
people to blackball the party and--is that the right, word,
blackball?--and also unfriend Jenny on Facebook and if they're
successful it would basically mean the downfall of Kelly. Like, from the
Earth of her social life.
DISCLAIMER: Boregasm pills deliver only one orgasm per dose, and have
a recommended dosage of one pill per 12 hours, so you may still need to
exercise some caution when choosing which conferences to attend and
girls to go out with.
The miraculous science behind the Boregasm pill involves the tweaking and rearranging of an orgasm's biochemistry. For example:
- Users experience internal rather than external stimulation of the
penile muscles, induced by the sharp inhalations of air yawns elicit,
plus voodoo drugs.
- Users enjoy expedited climax achievement. Almost immediately
following the triggering yawn, the pill hits Muhammed Ali style--hard
and fast--thanks to the powers of...voodoo drugs.
- Users benefit from, uh, "Hold the sauce" blockers that enable the
explosive discharge of neuromuscular tension, but prevent the release of
accompanying male ejaculate. So no Kleenex, diapers necessary. This is
made possible by the rapid acceleration of the orgasm process. And also
voodoo drugs.
- Users absorb hormonal balancers that inhibit the distribution of
prolactin, oxytocin, and vasopressin, three chemicals whose appearance
following an orgasm is linked to males' inclination to pass out after
sex rather than stay up for hours discussing hopes and dreams and
favorite baby names and whether or not it's time for a new tablecloth.
"Hormonal balancers" is, of course, another way to say "voodoo drugs."
As a bonus, Boregasm pills incorporate 100 mg of caffeine to enhance blood flow during the Big O and alertness pursuant to it.
The Boregasm outcome? Renewed vigor, renewed interest in the
mind-numbingly monotonous parts of your day, renewed commitment to
swimming strong through the murky waters of life, and, most notably
perhaps, a renewed appreciation for the yawn.
Note: I think the pills work for ladies too but I didn't read on to
find out how because, like all men, I'm not too concerned about whether
or not women have orgasms.
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