Showing posts with label OMG!!. Show all posts
Showing posts with label OMG!!. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
It may still stink, but ingest a couple of these 24K capsules, and
your shit will look as handsome as a pile of gold. Tobias Wong and
J.A.R.K. (Ju$t Another Rich Kid) created the Gold Pills as part of their
INDULGENCE line, and as a bit of swallowable commentary on society's
obsession with wealth and consumption. Just down one of the gold
leaf-filled tubes (preferably with a shot of espresso and a couple
prunes) and transform your insides into a rich and luminous palace of
major systems and organs, all churning in perfect synchronicity towards a
singular goal: making your shit sparkle.
If you're wondering what to do with the golden shit post-defecation, unfortunately the answer is still, "Flush it." I guess you could try to use it to buy things--for example, Beanie Babies and Facebook stock, which some have suggested are currently worth shit--but Wong and J.A.R.K. make no mention of whether or not that will work. Rather I think the message here is that anyone who can afford to spend $425 on a few pills filled with 24K shards of gold, and goes ahead and does it, isn't just the type of person who pisses away money, but the type who shits it away too.
If you know a lot of assholes, you know what it's like to deal with
their shit. Now, it's time to return the favor. ShitSenders.com enables
the shat upon to send steaming piles of Don't get mad, get even
to inconsiderate, self-important, obnoxious, or otherwise turd-deserving
recipients. Anonymously. Exes, evil bosses, crooked mechanics, Nancy
Grace--the shit storm is brewing, and when it hits, it'll be
freshly-packed and delivered deliciously ripe right to their front
doors.From cow dung to elephant excrement to a gorilla's #2 (the most human-like in both appearance and fragrance) to an extra-special shit of the month, ShitSenders.com goes above and beyond the typical inventory of bull shit, stocking a bona fide shateria of stench. All flavors are available in quart and gallon sizes, and range in price from $12.95 for a quart of moooon pies to $23.95 for a gallon of gorilla rectal rolls.
Like the most professional of psychotherapists and prostitutes, ShitSenders.com promises to keep its clientele 100% confidential. While you won't get to see the shit show unfold--and, depending on the level of humiliation it generates, may not even hear about it--you can rest assured its private audience will never tie your name to the production team. Embedded in the pile o' poo is an oozy-fonted greeting card reading, "You've been pooped on, want to know by whom? OVER." And on the flip side: "We'll never tell."
So what are ShitSenders.com users saying about the service?
"Not only was your shit some of the finest shit ever sent in the mail, but your placement of the 'wanna find out who sent this' card within the shit forces the shitted on to actually sift through the shit only to find out that you'll never tell them who sent them the shit. I just finally heard back from the shitted on friend and I almost shitted myself when I heard he dug through the shit to find out who sent him the shit." -Stan, Chicago, IL
And how about the lucky SOBs on the receiving end?
"I have received two packages of shit in the last 2 weeks. I know it's somebody in the office. So who ever is doing it the joke's over quit sending me shit." -Jeff, Downing Lake Grove, NY
On behalf of ShitSenders.com, we'd like to remind you that if you've been scorned, wronged, taken advantage of, or pranked one too many times, you have only two options: keep taking that shit, or start dishing it out.
Ink, sperm and eggs go in, a financially secure future comes out. In
vitro fertilization is expensive, and let's face it, so are babies. What
better way to offset the costs, and maybe make a little extra (elbow-elbow)
than selling some prime epidermal real estate on your newest bread
winner? Octomom- and Duggar-approved, you won't be saying, "Eight is
Enough" after you calculate the earning potential of these walking
billboards."But, wait!" you say, "How is this possible?" In what's proving to be an immaculate conception, the good folks at ACME Fertilization and Recycled Needles Ink joined faculties and resources to develop this brainchild of pure gold for all parties involved. From there, government funding reappropriated from the space program, plus private funding previously targeted for the 3rd and 4th seasons of HBO's Rome, helped cultivate the research, and make the embryo grow. Once the first bundle of fiscal joy popped out with a Wah! and "Tupac Is Alive" inked in perfectly legible tribal font across his back, the money from big business came flooding in.
In the lab, a delicate mixture of sperm and ink are injected into the egg with tiny needles and a high-powered microscope that enable your Fetal Tattoo Technician to ensure the correct company logos appear on the exact body parts you've sold. Arms, legs and the back of the neck are obviously the highest grossing areas, with 24/7 visibility. For modest, albeit less shrewd, parents there are also more reasonable packages available on traditionally popular areas like the lower back. However, keep in mind that "tramp stamps" are generally reserved for condom brands and penis enlargement pills.
With over 500 corporations on board, it's not a question of if you can afford to have a baby anymore, but more a question of how rich you want to be.
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